Nikolaus Maack

Nikolaus Maack, writer, painter, poet. © 2005 Nikolaus Maack (see here)

"Tell me Nik, what are your most reflecting memories of your childhood? What memories of that time do find yourself daydreaming about most often?"

(Brandon J. Freels, Newsgroups: alt.surrealism, Subject: The Tick gains 100 pounds of fat, November 1, 1998)

"Hmm. I don't think that much about my childhood. Three thoughts leapt to mind as I read your questions.

1) When I was young, I had some sort of frequent babysitter myself. My mother worked at a shopping mall as a salesclerk, and dad was a waiter. I don't remember much about the babysitter, except that I think I was in love with her and in complete awe of her. Other than that, she is a blank. Arthur treats me with an odd mix of distaste and love. I sometimes wonder to myself if Arthur will someday forget about me, and that I ever took care of him.

2) In grade seven, I was struck by a seemingly never-ending series of painful migraines, and at one point I was absolutely convinced that I had asked for the pain in order to gain some sort of enlightenment. The migraines, I decided, were given to me because I was told, subconsciously, that if I suffered through them, my life would eventually be MUCH more exciting.

Before my first migraine took place, I spoke aloud, for no reason, saying, 'Show me the crystal.' I don't know why I said it, but immediately after those words, the migraine took place. For those of you that don't know, a migraine is -- for me and most people, I'm told -- a crystalline distortion of the vision that causes a sort of mental nausea. It all happened on a sunny day in the middle of the summer, completely out of nowhere, in a relatively stress-free life.

Part of me was convinced that the migraines would make me a great writer and artist, that I had chosen to 'see the crystal' for this reason. Eventually the migraines stopped, but while I had them, they had an intense distancing effect. I was usually in a muddled state and everyone seemed ghost-like and foreign.

Sometimes I still believe I chose to have the migraines quite consciously. (It's important to have an interesting personal mythology.)

3) I used to have a crush on a girl named Melanie Ellis. She was short and plump and drove me wild. I think this was in grade five or so. Every day at school, in order to show her my love, I would give her a small sandwich bag full of cornchips, which she would eat in front of me while we chatted. My main competition for her love was Dean, a strapping young buck, athletic, and tall, and possibly stupid. I can't quite remember. He seemed stupid at the time.

Melanie eventually informed me that she liked Dean more than me. I was distraught. But shortly after that, Dean told me that he was giving up on Melanie, that it was obvious that she liked me better, and that he was stepping out of the race. This left me in a state of anxiety, wondering if I should inform Dean that Melanie wanted him.

Instead, I did nothing, save stop giving Melanie my corn chips.

Hope this helps. Nik"

(Nikolaus Maack, Newsgroups: alt.surrealism, Subject: The Tick gains 100 pounds of fat, November 1, 1998)

"I'm afraid all I'm suffering from lately is Xmas stress migraine flashes. Haven't had a full blown blurry visioned attack, yet, but there's always hope."

(Nikolaus Maack, Newsgroups: alt.surrealism, Subject: is this the sexual preoccupation group?, December 21, 1999)

"When I was a kid, in grades 1 and 2, the teacher used to always make us put our heads down on our desks for no obvious reason. Whenever this happened, I'd press my fists into my eyes and stare at the amazing colours and seascapes in my head. They always, to me, seemed like underwater scenes of blue and green seaweed, spiralling like crazy, shifting back and forth.

Later, in adolescence, I had migraine headaches, and once again those same spiralling colours were back, only this time so intense it made me feel sick. Not sick to my stomach, but sick in my brain, like my cortex wanted to throw up. Sparkling red and yellows distorting everything I looked at. Quite disturbing.

Nowadays, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can conjure up images on the backs of my eyelids to play with, but they are fleeting, ghostly, and have a tendency to mutate into other things. Nearly impossible to control, but lots of fun.

Hurray for vision! Nik"

(Nikolaus Maack, Newsgroups: alt.surrealism, Subject: Dale and His Father, February 21, 2000)

"Klaus, Sorry for the delayed response. I was thinking about how I'd written a few pages about my migraine and whether that would make a better entry. But for now, a small slice like this quote would be better. The think I'm working on isn't finished yet.

I would be willing to provide further materials. I don't know if you have encountered this in other migraine sufferers, but the very discussion of my migraines makes me feel like one is coming on. I tried to read a book about them - the one by that author who wrote 'The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat' - and I couldn't read it. Just holding the book made the brain nausea start up. That's part of the reason why it was so difficult to write you back. Hope this helps. Nik

PS. By the way, I have a website with art and writing and painting on it, but none of it really deals with my migraines."

(Email to Klaus Podoll, Januar 18, 2005)

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