Christine Lee Zilka

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Hello the Stories

By Christine Lee Zilka

I woke up yesterday feeling like a nail wrapped in a cotton ball; the pain hammered in sharp but dulled by sleep. Another migraine. I was thankful that I had apparently slept through the "aura" part of the migraine (the part where my vision is distorted, like light shimmering like a lake, or really bright snow on the TV screen)...

So Ari called in sick for me, as I took two advils and willed myself to sleep.

I woke up in the afternoon, and ate some crackers... and then puked my guts out, suffering a flashback to the time where I was dry heaving as a college student after a midori liquer party. Gawd.

So that was my day yesterday, head pounding, dizzy, nauseous. Ari couldn't drive, so I had to drive him around his errands in the afternoon, after which I thankfully collapsed in a heap on the living room sofa to watch Ally McBeal.

I haven't figured out the causes for my migraines. I have been having them since I was 14 years old. I think my paternal grandmother had them, she would always complain about severe headaches and sit in the dark.

I do take it as a sign of poor health, that I am not taking care of myself as well as I should...whether that be an extra bubble bath, or more fruit, or exercise, or sleep. It's time to slow down, count to ten, breathe, and focus on the important things.

Today, I went back to work, where I found out Steve (aka Catbert) resigned today. So no misfit boss to deal with, but it also doesn't matter anymore, as I'm moving into engineering. It all happened in a migraine hangover daze -- my brain spends some time mending after migraines, I guess.

My workplace is getting complicated. I still like it, though.

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My brain feels fertile -- perhaps it's the migraine haze, my brain's just mending...I feel snippets of stories surge past me. You know, like when you feel an idea coming to you, but you can't quite grasp it, and it goes away, and you feel it was brilliant or meaningful but you weren't able to focus or you got distracted or the idea wasn't fully formed. Or a memory that doesn't quite gel. Like an incomplete sentence.

I never thought I would crave solitude, but lately, I have had the yearning to move to a barn on the California Coast, with my husband, and the dogs. I would raise vegetables, milk my own cow, eat organic food, cook things from scratch, and lie in a hammock every afternoon. Today, I was just overwhelmed by the amount of noise (and believe me, I don't even live in a very noisy neighborhood) on my street: the police sirens in teh distance, the rumble of the garbage trucks (everrry Tuesday morning!), the 4 cylinder cars straining up the hill. Then, off to work, I hear the cars honking, the train blaring in front of work...the computers constantly whirring.

As I was cooking dinner tonight, picking fresh herbs from the yard, I got to thinking how wonderful it would be if there was more to pick, more to grow, more space to romp...more privacy, even to lie naked in the grass! To have enough on my own grounds to not think about running down to the store for an errand, to not wear makeup all day, because who would care! To get fat on fresh milk! To become lean on fresh fruits and vegetables and a day of outdoor walks and play!

Most of the time, I am such a City Girl -- never without makeup, usually with at least one designer label, and an aversion to sweat (except inside a gym, where it's okay)...but lately, I have had such a feeling of escapism.... to shed this life, to shed these looks, to shed these duties. To be a lazy fool!

Besides, rural life seems to be the only affordable life nowadays -- Ari and I went to visit our realtor, Jeanne, and I was just struck at how house prices have gone up, even in the past year! As a homeowner, I was kind of happy to hear at how much my house had gone up in value... but that just makes it harder for us to get into a larger home. Everything we want is in the million dollar range...

(Christine Lee Zilka's blog, May 16, 2000)

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